An Essay-What God did on my summer vacation

It took giant leap of faith, hope and much preparation to be able to fill the lines of the following essay. Months ahead I decided,planning and longed for some time of renewal. It felt like I had been hanging onto a rope as I tried to see the light in the end of the tunnel this past winter and spring. Hammered at many different levels I just felt like if I could get away I could find perspective again.

So it was there the journey started. I felt the anxiety and nervousness building slowly. I was terribly excited but again I struggled inside. Not because anyone said or did anything but simply the fact that I would be "out of control". Oj. I started to get glimpses of my "J" personality type starting to work overtime. As days got closer to be leaving I realized that I am going to have to release it.( Me wanting to make sure we pack everything, not forget anything, kids are ready on time, they are safe all the time...and that if something happens to them I surely could fix it...) I would be away for 10 whole days.

I couldn't believe what I was feeling as I got to be alone the first 24 hours. It was terrible. It felt like it was an exorcism(slight exag). I felt like in the moment that I was walking naked thru the airport and that I had forgotten something hugely important and that there was need to PANIC. I keep asking God-seriously am I this out of control about BEING IN CONTROL? I guess in our lives we stick things in different little compartments. And I think this one was in a very hidden place. I had somehow lifted up my kids and me being in control of our life schedule in a place of an idol. Felt like with one swift flick of a finger God totally opened my eyes to how hard I was holding them. So for many hours I thought and silently chatted with God about it. It was like I was clenching my fist tightly around my family....I was not allowing God to touch and give all He could to them.....until I opened up that fist and let Him touch what I loved the most. Of course that is what I wanted. But it never feels good at the moment you are realizing..yikes I need to change.

I landed in Sweden and felt a peace. I knew that my hands were open and God is the ONE who is my families protector,healer, comforter,savior and all in all. As much as I want to be everything ALL the TIME to them, (don't flatter yourself Tammy) I am going to fail at that one every time. I am not made for that. That is what His job is. So my heart and mind felt humbled and ready going into the next 9 days of vacation to let God touch the scary places that get muffled and blurred in everyday life.

I had a great prayer day downtown at the Catherdal. It was not only beautiful but felt very holy. I was alone, again I felt pretty naked. Yes I was clothed. But in 8 years I can't remember a time where I felt so alone with God. Him and me, in that much silence and no boundaries to the end. I read and prayed. Then went over to the Prayer Chapel a small alcove off the main sanctuary open to the public (they always have tours going thru). There was a simple notebook to write your prayers to God. My hand began to write before my head was thinking up words. I poured out my cry....as it felt very intimate too so I my head was thinking....people are going to read this...what I am doing writing this here..! My heart felt like it was gasping for air to just bleed on the page. So I let it. As I wrote the tears fell to the page and I tried so hard to just keep writing and praying.

It feels like my life is always filled with funny chapters and stories. God does have a sense of humor with me and it felt funny the way it happened next. As I sit with my back to the opening where you walk in, I hear a large group of people......Russian tourists. The guide is telling them the history of the chapel and what you should do in that room as I sit there trying to bury my head and turn to the wall. To many people crowding around me and yes just me....in tears sitting at the prayer book. My little spiritual moment was a bit squelched by the group of Russians glaring into the back of my neck almost looking over my shoulder as I wrote. I waited till they all left ( mainly so they wouldn't see if I had boogers all over my face!) and then left for a walk. I heard the soft wind in the trees. (are you a mom reading this..when was the last time you HEARD SOFT WIND AND THOUGHT ABOUT IT??)

God really taught me about release and getting rid of all the idols. Wow, people make that word really bad. Idols. Imagine that-people you love can be idols. I didn't have to cuz it was like that. But I totally felt God giving me the strength to release it/them and let Him have his rightful place. I really pray that the DE STRESSING I felt and do feel still over letting go of the controlling of our life schedule-will continue. I don't want that feeling back, freedom feels so much better.

Living with open hands feels much better than living life with 2 clinched fists. Isn't that beautiful wording, it is sometimes an ugly fight to get there though.

Now for the daily surrender each day reminding myself -God you are OUR all in all. I can do alot and be alot but I am not everything and refuse to try. I need little hourly reminder for that God, I really do.


Most of all it would have never happened with out each of the "village" that helped take care of our kids,dog, house, car and Peter while I was away. Big sigh and moment of honor. I am forever grateful it truly was another gift from God to me having all of you in place to help us. In looking back on that time my kids had with all those people it was filled with special moments and memories that still bring them to tears.

That is what God did on my summer vacation.

Stand up comedy...with M&M

Thanks to my nieces J & D I discovered photo booth!
Lots of giggles later.....

The Studio-Stockholm Sweden

I am a performer at heart. Being in front of a camera is kinda the same kick for me as acting or singing. I guess some people would rather be physically hurt than get there picture taken but I don't mind. My sil and I were chatting with another friend Frida T. on the way to The Studio about how Americans seem to lend themselves to be in pictures or confident to be photographed. Maybe culture played a role, maybe it is my personality, I just hope you don't think I am vain! I was shocked at how well they turned out actually. I never usually wear make up and get decked out at the same time. I do both separately it seems but I really don't have much time these days to get to both on the same day. Well, I laughed and told my kids now I have PROOF mommy can look really good. They giggled and agreed.

I got so sport one of my own bracelet's here which was fun.

Here I am wearing Malin's earrings! I love them!

Below is one of Malin's designs in
Click on her link
to purchase your own pair!

I pulled out one of my designs as well
clearly genius bracelets that
had crystal across the top

The Studio
Stockholm
Sweden
Summer
2010

A photo buffet of Sweden-"ojojo va gott!"

I didn't know how to showcase all the complete wonderful goodness from this solo trip to Sweden! For those who haven't been keeping up on fb or here-yes I did. 10 days alone to Sweden! Everyone is asking how was it? My answer is simple.
Sheer Heaven.

I love taking pictures and this is one of my favorite spots in downtown Uppsala. The Cathedral is gorgeous inside and out. I am hoping to get this or another pic like it enlarged for our living room.

Johan & Malin and Milly swinging away as we strolled to Cafe Linne for some fika.

Chillaxin' with my niece and nephew by the river.

Here are a few pictures from a big outdoor market in downtown Stockholm.
Mushrooms =)
Doesn't get more typically Swedish than this folks!

Blueberries, the proper size.

How cool are these! I would so buy a orange pair and wear them and probably cause a 3 way car crash and have to write in the police report that my cool glasses made me slightly blind. BUT I looked hot when it happened!

The gold man, not sure of his story but Frida gave me some change and I took a pic with him. He was slightly freaky and was holding me a bit to hard not to mention one could have gotten high on the spray paint smell he was sporting!

dear friends-Frida and Julia....do you think they are related?

Malin and her kiddos - they are so cute!

Marielund down by the dock for a swim

Stockholm's Streets

The last picture will be the end of me, these girls are going to kill me! But my best friend Therese only got in ONE PICTURE in my camera! Shame on me SERIOUSLY. Again how Swedish is this fika outside in the evening-that is one thing I miss about Swedish culture-FIKA!

I got to stay with Therese and Johan and Malin. Wonderful hosts and lots a great talks and hanging out time! I got to enjoy there kids in new ways since I didn't have to run after my own. Thank you guys for making my trip really cozy and relaxing!
Also- It was such a blessing to get to hang out with Julia and Frida (of course the hubbies and kids incl.). While we all have lived over the span of the world over the last 10 yrs we have managed to remain friends which is really special. I love their storytelling and laughter it is like medicine!

So that was it in a nutshell.
Sheer Heaven.

Summer Highlights!

THIS IS MY FAVORITE PICTURE OF OUR FAMILY VACATION-
GREAT (grandpa)FRANK AND LIL' FRANK

Any good picture needs a title right?

"CRADLING A LEGACY"

Julia surprises me alot and this time she totally did it! She went to the top of this plank course at the Mall of America all the way to the top maybe 70 ft up! Peter went along too and helped her a couple times she got a little scared but overall she aced it!

RELAY FOR LIFE 2010 ~
Finally after many years we were in MN Relay again! And we had alot of fun as a family. Peter even joined the crazy hair trend!

Such a precious time when we get Dad for 2 whole weeks (minus a day of emergency work on the computer)! The kids loved hanging and cuddling with Dad and I enjoyed just having R&R together it was worth all the work to get offically on vacation!

It's been 3 yrs since we all were together at the same time.(to long)
Always lots of laughs and a lang. that Peter says is hard to understand filled with inside jokes and weird humor! Oh well, we are a rare breed-none the less we are
SISTERS!

Erik fell in love with someone he wants to marry
(his cousin Domenique) He mainly liked her for her beautiful braces-that is what he said
~what a cutie!

We got to spend time with Peter's brother Robert and his wife and kids-priceless memories!

MY RUNNER UP FAVORITE SUMMER PICTURE!

Needs a title right?

"my buddy"...cuz that's what Erik called Emmanuel!

My sister Jayme's kids and our got alot of playtime which was really fun.
Maybe the most fun while I was present, I heard there might have been a "few" boy fights while I was away!


RECAP-
Driving 24 hours with 4 kids straight across America-INSANE yet I would do it again!
Having a family reunion with all the cousins and kids-Def. do that again!
Get 2 weeks vacation with my kids and hubby-OF COURSE we are doing that again!
ME get a solo vacation for 10 days-YES,yes and YES I would do it over again-
BUT that is for another post!

The blog makeover

So the blog makeover takes more time than one would think. I kid myself into thinking I am technically inclined. Yah, I am so not. Hope you are lovin the GI normous pic of me....imagine it small and that is how I want it. Well I will be trying to fix that over the next (cough cough) few weeks.

Kinda feels like I have gained my life back by losing control over it this summer. I hope that makes sense to someone. Somehow I gained a much needed perspective back this past month that I had lost in the daily circus of life.

I can't wait to show you all pics of our Minnesota trip and my trip to Sweden. But like usual I want to do it right. So you will have to wait for me to gather my thoughts. Which are always better AFTER the trip.

3 more sleeps till I get to kiss my hubby and hold my babies! No I didnt forget about you Rocko...maybe you will get a kiss too-Yuck!

Commentaholic recovering in off the grid therapy

Why is it that a picture invokes a comment when the written text is usually more entertaining and meaningful anyway?

No pic = no comment.... bummer? Oh well it is a thing I don't understand either!

I am off the grid. Not checking email, not evening keeping up on fb what all the world is doing. Just being here. With the family and letting the tempo slow down to a pace we all needed. 6 days sober in my cyber and technology cleanse. Already I have more energy =)....lol. Wish my bathing suit fit better! But one thing at a time right!

We have had a worldwind of a weekend so far with the Johnson Reunion. Huge success, much fun and over 1,500 pics...(yes we counted them) later we are all still standing.

Of course you will get the best of pics soon. At least then I hope to get a comment and even if I don't, I hope to be cured of all current stresses and not care.

Food for thought....one probably will never be cure from stress,eh? I know the answer.