An Essay-What God did on my summer vacation

It took giant leap of faith, hope and much preparation to be able to fill the lines of the following essay. Months ahead I decided,planning and longed for some time of renewal. It felt like I had been hanging onto a rope as I tried to see the light in the end of the tunnel this past winter and spring. Hammered at many different levels I just felt like if I could get away I could find perspective again.

So it was there the journey started. I felt the anxiety and nervousness building slowly. I was terribly excited but again I struggled inside. Not because anyone said or did anything but simply the fact that I would be "out of control". Oj. I started to get glimpses of my "J" personality type starting to work overtime. As days got closer to be leaving I realized that I am going to have to release it.( Me wanting to make sure we pack everything, not forget anything, kids are ready on time, they are safe all the time...and that if something happens to them I surely could fix it...) I would be away for 10 whole days.

I couldn't believe what I was feeling as I got to be alone the first 24 hours. It was terrible. It felt like it was an exorcism(slight exag). I felt like in the moment that I was walking naked thru the airport and that I had forgotten something hugely important and that there was need to PANIC. I keep asking God-seriously am I this out of control about BEING IN CONTROL? I guess in our lives we stick things in different little compartments. And I think this one was in a very hidden place. I had somehow lifted up my kids and me being in control of our life schedule in a place of an idol. Felt like with one swift flick of a finger God totally opened my eyes to how hard I was holding them. So for many hours I thought and silently chatted with God about it. It was like I was clenching my fist tightly around my family....I was not allowing God to touch and give all He could to them.....until I opened up that fist and let Him touch what I loved the most. Of course that is what I wanted. But it never feels good at the moment you are realizing..yikes I need to change.

I landed in Sweden and felt a peace. I knew that my hands were open and God is the ONE who is my families protector,healer, comforter,savior and all in all. As much as I want to be everything ALL the TIME to them, (don't flatter yourself Tammy) I am going to fail at that one every time. I am not made for that. That is what His job is. So my heart and mind felt humbled and ready going into the next 9 days of vacation to let God touch the scary places that get muffled and blurred in everyday life.

I had a great prayer day downtown at the Catherdal. It was not only beautiful but felt very holy. I was alone, again I felt pretty naked. Yes I was clothed. But in 8 years I can't remember a time where I felt so alone with God. Him and me, in that much silence and no boundaries to the end. I read and prayed. Then went over to the Prayer Chapel a small alcove off the main sanctuary open to the public (they always have tours going thru). There was a simple notebook to write your prayers to God. My hand began to write before my head was thinking up words. I poured out my cry....as it felt very intimate too so I my head was thinking....people are going to read this...what I am doing writing this here..! My heart felt like it was gasping for air to just bleed on the page. So I let it. As I wrote the tears fell to the page and I tried so hard to just keep writing and praying.

It feels like my life is always filled with funny chapters and stories. God does have a sense of humor with me and it felt funny the way it happened next. As I sit with my back to the opening where you walk in, I hear a large group of people......Russian tourists. The guide is telling them the history of the chapel and what you should do in that room as I sit there trying to bury my head and turn to the wall. To many people crowding around me and yes just me....in tears sitting at the prayer book. My little spiritual moment was a bit squelched by the group of Russians glaring into the back of my neck almost looking over my shoulder as I wrote. I waited till they all left ( mainly so they wouldn't see if I had boogers all over my face!) and then left for a walk. I heard the soft wind in the trees. (are you a mom reading this..when was the last time you HEARD SOFT WIND AND THOUGHT ABOUT IT??)

God really taught me about release and getting rid of all the idols. Wow, people make that word really bad. Idols. Imagine that-people you love can be idols. I didn't have to cuz it was like that. But I totally felt God giving me the strength to release it/them and let Him have his rightful place. I really pray that the DE STRESSING I felt and do feel still over letting go of the controlling of our life schedule-will continue. I don't want that feeling back, freedom feels so much better.

Living with open hands feels much better than living life with 2 clinched fists. Isn't that beautiful wording, it is sometimes an ugly fight to get there though.

Now for the daily surrender each day reminding myself -God you are OUR all in all. I can do alot and be alot but I am not everything and refuse to try. I need little hourly reminder for that God, I really do.


Most of all it would have never happened with out each of the "village" that helped take care of our kids,dog, house, car and Peter while I was away. Big sigh and moment of honor. I am forever grateful it truly was another gift from God to me having all of you in place to help us. In looking back on that time my kids had with all those people it was filled with special moments and memories that still bring them to tears.

That is what God did on my summer vacation.