MY "not so American" Dream

Many of you know, alot of you don't know. We are starting down the road to fostering/foster adopt. Wow it still is unreal to say it. I never envisioned the dream I have had (we have had) taking form like it is. Adoption was always a baby (in my head when I thought of it) God works on us in so many ways. God's still small voice, a pastor, a friend, a book, or your spouse-last but not least through the dreams. Finally it feels like God is releasing us to go for it. This is so different than I had imagined. My insides are tangled up with feelings. Not sure who to share it with and when. Questions are flying in my head about alot of things, some filled with more joy and hope than others.(Hard to explain) My reality is that I must deal with every fear and doubt about who I am as a parent and how I parent. Now I have to talk about it, write about and allow strangers to come in and judge me on it. Brings me to the place multiple times per day when my prayer is-Ok God. Pushing all the chips back in. I am all in, no more hidden rooms with locked doors. Vulernable and ready for scrutiny. Trusting and waiting...learning and loving. Below is my scrapped together thoughts about "my not so American dream"

My not so American Dream

Since I am born here I guess that makes me American.
Don't really feel it alot,
It goes deeper than my "third culture kid" issues.
The typical dreams that live here aren't really my own.
The cars, trips, money, luxury of it- all isn't much for me.
So I again I wonder-does that make me less "American" while I dream
MY dream.
It has nothing to do with material happiness.
If anything probably the opposite
Losing site of everything the world holds dear
Walking against the stream with my family
Each having a story in their heart and a smile on their face.
As I write it, I feel like words echo out to those who stare back puzzled.
Why would one welcome more discomfort in this comfortable country.
I do know why I would.
Compelled by calling from God.
I get it completely-I have no control.
God has complete control.
Freeing thought and totally scary mixed up into the same.

Yet again God and I dance.
I let my feet fly and my hands are open
Following His lead
Suddenly I can breathe
Yet my heart is pounding and I am afraid.
The song is new and I have never danced like this before.

I have come to grips with the fact I may stumble
I have realized the fact I may even fail.
Along the way people will look, stare and even judge.
The question I ask time and again when I am scared -am I ok with not even trying?
No. Simply no.

I will open my heart wide open for you.
My life exposed, and heart so vulnerable to all that is coming down the road.
The dream looked so much different in my head
God shaped and formed it in many ways.
I am ready to embrace the dream.
However it comes thru our door.
Soon I will welcome you.

Come dear life so broken, shattered and abused.
I will hold you.
Give you love and nurture.
Stand up for you, advocate for you.
I will be your voice
I will resolve that my home will be a place of healing
A safe place to grow, heal and learn

Love be planted.
Love be watered.
Love start to grow.
Tiny little seed don't fear
it's going to be safe to blossom here.







Thanks for your prayers for our family on this journey.

The faces of Christmas-2010

My bedhead twin made an appearance. She isn't a morning person!
Frank had fun with the marshmallow shooters, mainly eating ammo!

The hats were a hit!
Frank wears them for a minute takes it off-REPEATS, alot throughout the day!

DS reaction....sorry for the blurrrr

Teamwork.

Hat=check
Sillybands=check
Candy necklace=check.

Bookworm gets a Kindle

Policeman Dad

What a face! Pretty sure he was saying AWESOME!!
We had a great day, relaxed and filled with laughter and
a Christmas day NAP! The best gift of all!
The only thing missing was some fresh snow!

Lucia-i Salt Lake City!

Lucia Program
Swedish Heritage Society
Dec. 11th 2010



Midsommar at Ikea we ran into this group and were thrilled to get in touch with other Swedes living in the valley. We attended Lucia with them last year and it was so nice! So the kids participated this year and totally got into it! I got the chance to be in the small choir, which was a blast to sing again I miss that so much!



I think our camera is on the fritz! Focus is not the greatest on these but you can see the kids! Peter was on Frank duty in the audience then went out to find our kids after they were done so that is all the pictures we got of the night. I will post a video clip on facebook soon!





I must confess that I did miss having the normal "family" cheering section in the crowd. Typical Christmas Program stuff. I guess I am slow to realize stuff like that, geez we have only lived away from family for 6 years! I guess since Ann-Britt has lived with us alot it has felt like family has taken part in things.





All the kids did great, knew the parts. Sang very good in Swedish (even when mixin up tre och three and se och see) Music to our ears to hear the kids singing and thinking in Swedish again.






Glad Luciadagen!

The Feast

Every year the preschool the kid's have gone to do a Thanksgiving Feast. I am always amazed at Erik the way he gets into it! Counted down the sleeps till the big day! His buddy This picture is so cute- I totally busted Eli and Erik peeking during the opening prayer. This is my favorite picture from yesterday. Good job guys!

The Masterpiece a memory ...

I remember living in Uppsala, Sweden when Jewels was like 3. We lived on the 5th floor of an apartment building and I thought the view was great. (now I really have a nice view!) Jewels looked out one night at sunset and said in Swedish "Jesus, painted the sky for me". I marveled at the orange and pink sky and how she formulated that thought into words. Sometimes as I look out the kitchen window I think the same thought. Below is the view now and God's paintings.

Pumpkin eaters

Just in case you wondered, 2 medium pumpkins makes a LOT of pie filling. 21 cups is what we gained from out pumpkin patch visit. I managed to capture a couple pics between hauling the wheel barrow and managing to herd Frank along with us!

The last fall day we snagged!

All together.....all together wonderful.
Heber City, Utah

Ouch

I was reading my friend Kara's blog. Wow, she is so brave to open up for everyone on her fears, potential flaws and sheer hopes and dreams. I read and am impressed and feel like a wuss all in the same second. Good writing Kara.

I think I am brave spitting out my feeling here. But what no one sees is that I write. Delete. Rewrite.Change, delete. Then Publish. Mainly do to the fear of what people will think of me, if I will be really honest.

Well here goes. Yesterday I had a conversation with a person I had never met. They brought up an tragic accident that happened to us at our church awhile back. Without knowing that I was pretty closely connected to it- they shared openly about their fears and complexes that have been created and actions that have resulted from it. Pretty raw- Gulp. I thought I had moved forward a bit in my healing emotionally from that tragic day. But I guess not. The person was super sweet and meant no harm at all. This past week a few things brought those feeling up in a few different ways and I am left saying "God I thought I was good?". Funny how when pressure is applied sometimes we see we sooo are not good with something.

My dialogue with God is kinda like this-"ok God I get it, I am so not past this yet" " (frustrated growl..)let's do this". Praying I don't flee the pain of dealing with guilt and responsibility of what happened. But instead embrace the face that I get the chance to grow from this now and no more pushing it down again. (seriously feels wrong to write that since it is so hard to do and so easy to write it) God has a funny way of keep bringing us full circle with stuff till we deal with it and kinda past the "test".

Has anyone ever had God be working on something that it kinda feels like you are in a dream where you forgot to get dressed and are standing in front of your class giving a speech. I feel like it is healthy before God to be so exposed. I just fight my instinct to grab a fig leaf and cover up the stuff hat is hard to deal with!

Cheers-here is to fig leaf free living.

Hair your mother would be proud of

Crazy Hair day today at school. Our house is always crazy-
maybe more crazy tonight when I try to detangle Em's
"electricuted" hair style. Yikes.

So proud I am posting something on the day it happened. Miracles never cease!

1st Julia was embarassed by her. How weird and uncool. Em looks in the mirror
"that rocks!" Julia's face was mortified. She tried to talk her out of it. Em says
"I don't care if people laugh, it is AWWWH-some"
She marches to her own beat for sure.
There is a strong artist of some sort dying to get out!

Indian Summer Mud fest

September weather was just as good as summertime here in Utah.
This is how we roll at our house!
Mud & Fun

And then we started another year

So I did try hard for a good siblings picture. But given it wrangling 4 kids for the first day of school solo it was a bit hard! But none the less they are looking an inch taller and very cute!

8,almost 2,and 4

3rd grade

1st grade

Erik didnt get a ind. pic. I have a faint memory he refused. Typical!

An Essay-What God did on my summer vacation

It took giant leap of faith, hope and much preparation to be able to fill the lines of the following essay. Months ahead I decided,planning and longed for some time of renewal. It felt like I had been hanging onto a rope as I tried to see the light in the end of the tunnel this past winter and spring. Hammered at many different levels I just felt like if I could get away I could find perspective again.

So it was there the journey started. I felt the anxiety and nervousness building slowly. I was terribly excited but again I struggled inside. Not because anyone said or did anything but simply the fact that I would be "out of control". Oj. I started to get glimpses of my "J" personality type starting to work overtime. As days got closer to be leaving I realized that I am going to have to release it.( Me wanting to make sure we pack everything, not forget anything, kids are ready on time, they are safe all the time...and that if something happens to them I surely could fix it...) I would be away for 10 whole days.

I couldn't believe what I was feeling as I got to be alone the first 24 hours. It was terrible. It felt like it was an exorcism(slight exag). I felt like in the moment that I was walking naked thru the airport and that I had forgotten something hugely important and that there was need to PANIC. I keep asking God-seriously am I this out of control about BEING IN CONTROL? I guess in our lives we stick things in different little compartments. And I think this one was in a very hidden place. I had somehow lifted up my kids and me being in control of our life schedule in a place of an idol. Felt like with one swift flick of a finger God totally opened my eyes to how hard I was holding them. So for many hours I thought and silently chatted with God about it. It was like I was clenching my fist tightly around my family....I was not allowing God to touch and give all He could to them.....until I opened up that fist and let Him touch what I loved the most. Of course that is what I wanted. But it never feels good at the moment you are realizing..yikes I need to change.

I landed in Sweden and felt a peace. I knew that my hands were open and God is the ONE who is my families protector,healer, comforter,savior and all in all. As much as I want to be everything ALL the TIME to them, (don't flatter yourself Tammy) I am going to fail at that one every time. I am not made for that. That is what His job is. So my heart and mind felt humbled and ready going into the next 9 days of vacation to let God touch the scary places that get muffled and blurred in everyday life.

I had a great prayer day downtown at the Catherdal. It was not only beautiful but felt very holy. I was alone, again I felt pretty naked. Yes I was clothed. But in 8 years I can't remember a time where I felt so alone with God. Him and me, in that much silence and no boundaries to the end. I read and prayed. Then went over to the Prayer Chapel a small alcove off the main sanctuary open to the public (they always have tours going thru). There was a simple notebook to write your prayers to God. My hand began to write before my head was thinking up words. I poured out my cry....as it felt very intimate too so I my head was thinking....people are going to read this...what I am doing writing this here..! My heart felt like it was gasping for air to just bleed on the page. So I let it. As I wrote the tears fell to the page and I tried so hard to just keep writing and praying.

It feels like my life is always filled with funny chapters and stories. God does have a sense of humor with me and it felt funny the way it happened next. As I sit with my back to the opening where you walk in, I hear a large group of people......Russian tourists. The guide is telling them the history of the chapel and what you should do in that room as I sit there trying to bury my head and turn to the wall. To many people crowding around me and yes just me....in tears sitting at the prayer book. My little spiritual moment was a bit squelched by the group of Russians glaring into the back of my neck almost looking over my shoulder as I wrote. I waited till they all left ( mainly so they wouldn't see if I had boogers all over my face!) and then left for a walk. I heard the soft wind in the trees. (are you a mom reading this..when was the last time you HEARD SOFT WIND AND THOUGHT ABOUT IT??)

God really taught me about release and getting rid of all the idols. Wow, people make that word really bad. Idols. Imagine that-people you love can be idols. I didn't have to cuz it was like that. But I totally felt God giving me the strength to release it/them and let Him have his rightful place. I really pray that the DE STRESSING I felt and do feel still over letting go of the controlling of our life schedule-will continue. I don't want that feeling back, freedom feels so much better.

Living with open hands feels much better than living life with 2 clinched fists. Isn't that beautiful wording, it is sometimes an ugly fight to get there though.

Now for the daily surrender each day reminding myself -God you are OUR all in all. I can do alot and be alot but I am not everything and refuse to try. I need little hourly reminder for that God, I really do.


Most of all it would have never happened with out each of the "village" that helped take care of our kids,dog, house, car and Peter while I was away. Big sigh and moment of honor. I am forever grateful it truly was another gift from God to me having all of you in place to help us. In looking back on that time my kids had with all those people it was filled with special moments and memories that still bring them to tears.

That is what God did on my summer vacation.

Stand up comedy...with M&M

Thanks to my nieces J & D I discovered photo booth!
Lots of giggles later.....