I was reading my friend Kara's blog. Wow, she is so brave to open up for everyone on her fears, potential flaws and sheer hopes and dreams. I read and am impressed and feel like a wuss all in the same second. Good writing Kara.
I think I am brave spitting out my feeling here. But what no one sees is that I write. Delete. Rewrite.Change, delete. Then Publish. Mainly do to the fear of what people will think of me, if I will be really honest.
Well here goes. Yesterday I had a conversation with a person I had never met. They brought up an tragic accident that happened to us at our church awhile back. Without knowing that I was pretty closely connected to it- they shared openly about their fears and complexes that have been created and actions that have resulted from it. Pretty raw- Gulp. I thought I had moved forward a bit in my healing emotionally from that tragic day. But I guess not. The person was super sweet and meant no harm at all. This past week a few things brought those feeling up in a few different ways and I am left saying "God I thought I was good?". Funny how when pressure is applied sometimes we see we sooo are not good with something.
My dialogue with God is kinda like this-"ok God I get it, I am so not past this yet" " (frustrated growl..)let's do this". Praying I don't flee the pain of dealing with guilt and responsibility of what happened. But instead embrace the face that I get the chance to grow from this now and no more pushing it down again. (seriously feels wrong to write that since it is so hard to do and so easy to write it) God has a funny way of keep bringing us full circle with stuff till we deal with it and kinda past the "test".
Has anyone ever had God be working on something that it kinda feels like you are in a dream where you forgot to get dressed and are standing in front of your class giving a speech. I feel like it is healthy before God to be so exposed. I just fight my instinct to grab a fig leaf and cover up the stuff hat is hard to deal with!
Cheers-here is to fig leaf free living.
1 comment:
Hey, sweet friend. My problem (maybe?) is that I tend to just write, not read, hit publish....and THEN cringe :). I am not over the tragedy of which you speak, either. I guess we shouldn't be "over" it, but probably not dealt with God enough on it yet. Or let him deal with us. You inspire me, too!
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