Well, it is (as if it wasn't already known before) that I am a "crier". It is now. This month has been insightful, inspiring, jaw dropping, emotional and heart breaking. For all the right reasons. Foster Care classes have been well worth my time. However, I was totally caught off guard today. They pumped us up that last week would be hard, heartbreaking and tough. Many heavy topics for sure. But today, I sat and had a "moment". Our teacher had us doing a game where we swapped seats randomly throughout the morning and slowly we left bits and pieces of what we came to class with behind. Then spouses were randomly split up. Then we discussed the feelings of children in foster care. Transition, and grieving the loss of parents and homes and "their world". It was an "ah hah" moment. Then on the heels of that we watched the most low budget movie (which was power point slides of text and children reading it) and my heart cracked open and out slipped the contents. Sitting by a stranger, listening to the feelings of children in foster care. Tears pouring down my face, my nose uncontrollably running! They told of what is going through their mind, how they feel and what they don't understand. More importantly how much they do understand. The naked pain in the honesty was like a hammer breaking my heart with each sentence.
Feels impossible to explain. I know I can never fully understand- but getting cups full of their realities poured into my heart has been like dropping bricks on a ketchup packet. Imagining that to be my reality as a child. Completely heart wrenching. Yet I have no idea how after hearing it one isn't compelled to action. Today our instructor said something that hit home for me. "So many of the behaviors children in care express are a broken heart - grieving a loss. "
This month has been a blur. Our kids are being troopers! Our friends have rallied around us like a family would! God has met us right here. And each time my mind races ahead to try to figure out what will happen next, how it will happen and how I will handle it-I am reminded of a verse.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
