Many of you know, alot of you don't know. We are starting down the road to fostering/foster adopt. Wow it still is unreal to say it. I never envisioned the dream I have had (we have had) taking form like it is. Adoption was always a baby (in my head when I thought of it) God works on us in so many ways. God's still small voice, a pastor, a friend, a book, or your spouse-last but not least through the dreams. Finally it feels like God is releasing us to go for it. This is so different than I had imagined. My insides are tangled up with feelings. Not sure who to share it with and when. Questions are flying in my head about alot of things, some filled with more joy and hope than others.(Hard to explain) My reality is that I must deal with every fear and doubt about who I am as a parent and how I parent. Now I have to talk about it, write about and allow strangers to come in and judge me on it. Brings me to the place multiple times per day when my prayer is-Ok God. Pushing all the chips back in. I am all in, no more hidden rooms with locked doors. Vulernable and ready for scrutiny. Trusting and waiting...learning and loving. Below is my scrapped together thoughts about "my not so American dream"
My not so American Dream
Since I am born here I guess that makes me American.
Don't really feel it alot,
It goes deeper than my "third culture kid" issues.
The typical dreams that live here aren't really my own.
The cars, trips, money, luxury of it- all isn't much for me.
So I again I wonder-does that make me less "American" while I dream
MY dream.
It has nothing to do with material happiness.
If anything probably the opposite
Losing site of everything the world holds dear
Walking against the stream with my family
Each having a story in their heart and a smile on their face.
As I write it, I feel like words echo out to those who stare back puzzled.
Why would one welcome more discomfort in this comfortable country.
I do know why I would.
Compelled by calling from God.
I get it completely-I have no control.
God has complete control.
Freeing thought and totally scary mixed up into the same.
Yet again God and I dance.
I let my feet fly and my hands are open
Following His lead
Suddenly I can breathe
Yet my heart is pounding and I am afraid.
The song is new and I have never danced like this before.
I have come to grips with the fact I may stumble
I have realized the fact I may even fail.
Along the way people will look, stare and even judge.
The question I ask time and again when I am scared -am I ok with not even trying?
No. Simply no.
I will open my heart wide open for you.
My life exposed, and heart so vulnerable to all that is coming down the road.
The dream looked so much different in my head
God shaped and formed it in many ways.
I am ready to embrace the dream.
However it comes thru our door.
Soon I will welcome you.
Come dear life so broken, shattered and abused.
I will hold you.
Give you love and nurture.
Stand up for you, advocate for you.
I will be your voice
I will resolve that my home will be a place of healing
A safe place to grow, heal and learn
Love be planted.
Love be watered.
Love start to grow.
Tiny little seed don't fear
it's going to be safe to blossom here.
Thanks for your prayers for our family on this journey.
